.....and she said " I don't wanna go back to them, they always quarrel, shouting at each other each time and they spank me a lot of times".
Her aunt listening to her felt the innocent rebellion of this little girl. Just turned 5 and barely K2 but has so much to offer. It made her Aunt realized that life is not about being adult but as a human being susceptible to any form of violence and restlessness of this world.
Our society's basic unit, the FAMILY often neglect what the children has to say about things. Parents neglect to see how they feel about each violence that the adults have mastered overtime, they neglect the fact that by doing so they have corrupted young minds that are about to bloom creating their own perception of the world by their own visual experience. What the children see is what they get and what they see is what they are going to believe in and will mold their lives as they grow up.
....and she added " I miss my Mom, I'm afraid for her, she is alone now but even then I still don't wanna go back. I like it here, more....".
Her inclination to avoid what's harsh is an early recognition of this endless and painful reality of life and how to cope with each unpleasant experience. She just wanted to go away and live in peace with her Aunt who is cool, calm, and single at 47. Her parents are too weak to defend her innocence, too selfish to think of their own feelings and their own desire to express dissatisfaction over their unhealthy relationship. How could that be? She didn't choose to be here but was brought here by parents who are too irresponsible to see what lies ahead. Now she is bearing the fruit of her parent's carelessness. For sure, she longs for a motherly hug or a fatherly cuddle but that didn't stop her from wanting her own peace. Too sad that she can only get it outside of what she could have called her FAMILY.
I could not tell you how sad I am in writing this, because I am her Mother....and I am dumb.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
HURTING BUT DEFINITELY GOING
I'm hurting, and the hurdles of this pain seem to crample me into pieces. I have heard the loudest and perhaps the most shrilling shout of my wounded heart. This has never happened to me, ever. This is shocking and it is hard to accept the reason why I'm hurting.
For a long time, I thought I could dictate my destiny; running from chances of being hurt and evading what sounds creepy to me. In the process, I failed to fight for the ones that are truly deserving and picked up myself with the one whom I realized the most undeserving of all. I was not expecting this pain. I thought he is just someone I can be with for the rest of the journey, and attachment to him would not be necessary. To my own definition of this trip with him before we started, he is just going to be someone I can cry on and ask for help when there would be odds and danger along the way. All the while I thought that we can discard each other with ease and comfort as we come to the crossroads of our lives when he needs to leave or when I need to leave.
As our journey continued, I did not notice any small path that could lead him astray. I left him just a three steps back and when I looked back he was gone. I turned around and went back for him to check how he'd been, and what caused him to stay a little bit in that place. It was horrible to discover that the path was indeed much attractive than the path we could be heading to. It was tempting to stay and argue and convince him that what's ahead is far better than this path; but cowardice whispered quickly, issuing more risk in staying. So I decided not to scrutinize anymore. I picked up my bag and hastily moved on according to plans, feeling deserted and abandoned.
I am afraid, very much scared today, but I have no choice. I suddenly thought of the ones I left before. Could they still be with me now if I have chosen to stay and give them more time to decide whether they will join in this journey? I'm thinking maybe if they have decided, they could have been more responsible in keeping their promise to be with me, even if this would turn out to be an endless journey.
I regret the day when I decided to turn my back on them and instead pick up somebody along the road. I thought that move was easier then. I did not expect that as the road becomes tougher, the one I chose switched direction and look for an alternative route, a different route perhaps to arrive to his own destiny. I never realized that we never share the same destiny, that he will never understand what it means to travel with me, and that he will turn out weaker than me.
Obviously, he has some moments of fear. I could not blame him for what he has done. He could have different fears inside. He might have different ways to make things happen and he could have other thoughts and plans on how destiny should and could happen.
Apparently, I can hear him shouting for my name, looking for me, catching up with my pace, but it would be too late to catch up as I have doubled up my steps so I can't hear his voice. For me his voice issues a warning. He could still be having personal doubts and uncertainty inside. His fear of losing me in this road could be temporary, and I'm afraid that he will fall astray again. If I'll wait for him, that could be a completely wrong decision. So I will let him travel on his own toward his destiny and make him realize who then is he yearning for to be with him. If he realized that it's me after all, then he'll have to figure out his way to me.I'm not going back and I'm not pausing a bit. It's too dangerous to have an overnight stay in an unfamiliar territory. He could be lucky if we'll see each other in the next crossroads, but I am not expecting him to be there and I am not even wishing for him to be there. Now, I am on my own, planning and shaping this journey and will be thankful if sooner I will get used to being alone and finish the line with great pride and joy.
For a long time, I thought I could dictate my destiny; running from chances of being hurt and evading what sounds creepy to me. In the process, I failed to fight for the ones that are truly deserving and picked up myself with the one whom I realized the most undeserving of all. I was not expecting this pain. I thought he is just someone I can be with for the rest of the journey, and attachment to him would not be necessary. To my own definition of this trip with him before we started, he is just going to be someone I can cry on and ask for help when there would be odds and danger along the way. All the while I thought that we can discard each other with ease and comfort as we come to the crossroads of our lives when he needs to leave or when I need to leave.
As our journey continued, I did not notice any small path that could lead him astray. I left him just a three steps back and when I looked back he was gone. I turned around and went back for him to check how he'd been, and what caused him to stay a little bit in that place. It was horrible to discover that the path was indeed much attractive than the path we could be heading to. It was tempting to stay and argue and convince him that what's ahead is far better than this path; but cowardice whispered quickly, issuing more risk in staying. So I decided not to scrutinize anymore. I picked up my bag and hastily moved on according to plans, feeling deserted and abandoned.
I am afraid, very much scared today, but I have no choice. I suddenly thought of the ones I left before. Could they still be with me now if I have chosen to stay and give them more time to decide whether they will join in this journey? I'm thinking maybe if they have decided, they could have been more responsible in keeping their promise to be with me, even if this would turn out to be an endless journey.
I regret the day when I decided to turn my back on them and instead pick up somebody along the road. I thought that move was easier then. I did not expect that as the road becomes tougher, the one I chose switched direction and look for an alternative route, a different route perhaps to arrive to his own destiny. I never realized that we never share the same destiny, that he will never understand what it means to travel with me, and that he will turn out weaker than me.
Obviously, he has some moments of fear. I could not blame him for what he has done. He could have different fears inside. He might have different ways to make things happen and he could have other thoughts and plans on how destiny should and could happen.
Apparently, I can hear him shouting for my name, looking for me, catching up with my pace, but it would be too late to catch up as I have doubled up my steps so I can't hear his voice. For me his voice issues a warning. He could still be having personal doubts and uncertainty inside. His fear of losing me in this road could be temporary, and I'm afraid that he will fall astray again. If I'll wait for him, that could be a completely wrong decision. So I will let him travel on his own toward his destiny and make him realize who then is he yearning for to be with him. If he realized that it's me after all, then he'll have to figure out his way to me.I'm not going back and I'm not pausing a bit. It's too dangerous to have an overnight stay in an unfamiliar territory. He could be lucky if we'll see each other in the next crossroads, but I am not expecting him to be there and I am not even wishing for him to be there. Now, I am on my own, planning and shaping this journey and will be thankful if sooner I will get used to being alone and finish the line with great pride and joy.
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